NFC East/NFC North

My apologies for the delay in the continuation in this writing. I was away over a long weekend. Lets pick up where I left off.

NFC East
1) New York Giants - Despite the loss of Plaxico and Derrick Ward, they are still the beast in the east. A dominant running back/running game along with a Manning brother and several mid-level receivers will lead this team to another good season. Don't forget how punishing this defense is either.
" I have been drinking 5-Hour Energy's non-stop since my injury. I am so wired for the new season, nothing can stop us. 12 wins" - Osi Umenyiora, DE
2) Philadelphia Eagles - The loss of Jim Johnson is not the only big hit this defense took. Brian Dawkins was shown the door and headed to Denver. They still have a top 3 corner in Assante Samuel, and as long as new defensive coordinator Sean McDermott continues to blitz effectively, they will be dangerous. However, it is only a matter of time until Westbrook is hurt which sets them back every year.
"Will you please stop singing the 'Green Acres' theme song. They need to bring me in to run the Wildcat formation." - David Akers, K
3) Washington Redskins - One of the best and defiantly the most entertaining running back in the NFL, Clinton Portis, has been the anchor for this team for years. The best part of this year is when FOX shows the look on Daniel Snyder's face every time Jason Campbell throws an interception (or Jay Cutler throws a touchdown). I just don't think he is the answer for that team. The other looming question is that defense, which has been very hot and cold. I know they signed Haynesworth, but he has not played a full season since his rookie year in 2002. It would seem it's only a matter of time until he gets hurt.
"My team, 22 swinging dicks, is going to destroy my fantasy league this year... oh wait... you mean how are the Redskins gonna do?? Probably 9 wins." - Chris Cooley, TE
4) Dallas Cowboys - This team has been in decline the last few years. And as much as I hate to admit it, they are worse without TO. Romo is plowing out every girl in the tri-county area and can finally focus on football. However, their secondary is a big question mark and their offensive line is getting old. They will struggle out of the gate and have their worst season in years.
"I'm not sure which will be higher.... number of touchdowns thrown this entire season, or average number of girls banged every week?? It's gonna be close. But we will finish with only 7 wins." - Tony Romo, QB

NFC North

1) Green Bay Packers - One of the youngest teams in the NFL is due for a return to the playoffs. Fighting the distractions of the Favre debacle this team had several games in which they had a chance to win last year. Aaron Rogers struggled late in games, but he has learned from his experiences and will only continue to get better.
"Man was it awesome sacking Brady Quinn twice in that game, and then banging out his sister right after the game. I get 2 shots to repeat it this year with a preseason game game in August, and again when we play the Browns October 25th in Cleveland. Thats gonna be fucking awesome!!10 wins." A.J. Hawk, LB
2) Minnesota Vikings - With or without Brett Favre, this team was not going to make the playoffs. Brad Chidlress is a terrible coach. He has the best run defense in the NFL, an awesome secondary, and the best running back in the NFL and still cannot win! He also has a back-up running back who could start on 15 teams in the league, but continues to throw the ball. He tends to like to run 6 yard patterns on 3rd and 24 as well. This should be their drive set up.
1st down: Run to Adrian Peterson
2nd down: Run to Adrain Peterson
3rd down: Run to Chester Taylor
I do not trust the arm of Favre either.

"This could be a long season. I think during week 9, our by week, we will try to have a weekend away on the lake. We should get 8 wins." -Bryant McKinnie, OL
3) Chicago Bears - The J Giles Band, I mean the Jay Cutler Band begins playing in the windy city. How will they fair?? Not good. Cutler had Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal to throw to. Now he has........... well you get the point. Their leading receiver was Matt Forte, so you see where this is going. How long until Cutler starts crying because they have no receivers to throw to?? My guess is week 10.
"Remember when we won the NFC Championship game and I was plowing out Paris Hilton?? Man those were the days. 7 wins." Brian Urlacher, LB
4) Detroit Lions - Where do I start. No running game. No line. No defense. The only thing they have going for them is a top tier wide receiver who actually manages to keep his mouth shut. (Holy SHIT!) It is a tough call whether or not the lions should trade Calvin Johnson. On 1 side, he is a phenomenal athlete and can be the playmaker they need for Matt Stafford. On the other though, they could get a few second and third round draft picks out of him and have the room and resources to begin the rebuilding. By the time this team is any good (probably about 8-10 years), Johnson will be past his prime.
"We can't possibly loose all 16 games again. Can we?? 2 wins" Ernie Sims, LB

AFC South/AFC West

Continuing from yesterday.


AFC South:
1) Indianapolis Colts - Manning, Wayne, a healthy Joe Addai... this offense will still be VERY dangerous. The defense has been quietly solid for years. Expect this team to still contend in the AFC.
“White guy at starting wide receiver and tight end. Hell yeah!! 11 wins” – Jeff Saturday, C
2) Tennessee Titans - A team that has the most underrated player (Keith Bullock) and the most overrated player (Vince Young) in the NFL. The most versatile running attack in the NFL as well, Chris Johnson and LenDale "Cheeseburger Deluxe" White, controls the clock and a defense that keeps them in every game. The showed their weaknesses against Baltimore in the playoffs with no danger in the passing game. They have added Nate Washington, but the world is about to realize he is no more than a #3 receiver.
“We better win!! If we don’t win I am going to throw the biggest fit ever!! It will be thrown better then any ball I have ever thrown!!! You watch!!” Vince Young, QB
3) Houston Texans - An electric young defense. The 2nd most underrated player in the NFL, Andre Johnson, along with a solid QB and an up and coming RB. Despite the talent and being the trendy pick every year to come out of their shell, the Texans manage to somehow sit at .500 by the end of the season.
"Guess Houston didn't look like fucking idiots when they Mario instead of Reggie did they? But we are a consistently mediocre, 8 wins" - Steve Slaton, RB
4) Jacksonville Jaguars - The O-line will be better after a injury riddled season last year. Everyone is jumping Maurie Jones-Drew's bones to have a huge year. Without Fred Taylor splitting the load he is going to get tons of touches, but that leads injuries. David Garrard looked poor last year, but again they had line issues. No one to throw to, a once great defense looks very porous. They missed the window 2 years ago and are now on a slippery slope down.
"Our top receiver's last good year was 2004 and he only had 55 catches. Its gonna be a long year. At least I have 0% body fat. 6 wins." - Greg Jones, FB

AFC West:
1) San Diego Chargers - Boat loads of offensive talent. A QB coming of a monster year. They may have finished 8-8 but were better than that. Plus this is the AFC West... its pathetic.
“How the fuck do I throw for 4,000 yards and 34 TDs and we only get 8 wins??? At least we play in the AFC West where 8 wins gets you a division title. 12 wins this year” –Phillip Rivers, QB
2) Kansas City Chiefs - A defense that is better, but it really couldn't have been worse. They had an awesome draft last year and another good one this year. They will improve, but more than 2 wins can't be that hard. Remember, they lost a few games in the final minute last year, including against San Diego.
“If we have another disappointing season, I’ll be so mad I could spit… a drink in a girls face. 7 wins” –Larry Johnson
3) Denver Broncos - The Jay Cutler fire sale ran through this team. The defense has talented players, but it is the WORST defense line in the league. Teams will run ALL OVER THEM.
“We’ve been in the top 10 in most defensive categories for the last 9 seasons. Oh wait. I’m not on Philly anymore??? I signed with Denver?? Oh shit! 6 wins.” –Brian Dawkins
4) Oakland Raiders - With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select.... Darrius Heyward-Bey??? Yeah thats what they need. Another wide receiver. Who are they?? The fucking Lions?!
“I am probably gonna just stay in Indiana for a while. Work at Culpeppers and sub at Homer City. 5 Wins” –Michael Huff (my apologies, this is the wrong Michael Huff)

On a sad note, the NFL lost a great man on Tuesday. Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson passed with a severe case of melanoma. A defensive pioneer, a quiet guy and an extremely well respected person from everyone in the league. He will be missed.

AFC East/AFC North

Training camp has finally arrived, which can only mean 1 thing.... it is time for everyone to give their season preview and predictions. I will showcase 2 divisions a day through this week, then playoff and other fun predictions next week before I leave for vacation.

I managed to get an interview with a player from each team to sum what the upcoming year has in store. Each has provided me with a great quote to really put in perspective what to expect.

AFC East:
1) New England Patriots - Brady's back, nothing else really matters. (plus they've got him-->)
"For the last time, no I am not the founder of Wendy's and no you cannot have a free spicy chicken sandwich. But look for us to finish around 11 wins." - Dave Thomas, FB
2) NY Jets- Watch for Thomas Jones and Leon Washington to get a ton of carries with question marks still looming under center.
" We draft really well and our fans always love who we pick. The ladies seems to particularly like whoever we took this year. That should help us get to 9 wins." - Vernon Gholston, DE
3) Miami Dolphins- They benefited of a VERY easy schedule to be the feel good story of the AFC. The glass slipper is going on the other foot as the Dolphins have the hardest schedule in 2009. The Wildcat is cute, but it won't help them win that many games.
"We've got Brown, and Ferguson, and Allen, and Ginn, and Crowder and Biiiyyyaaahhh!!! 8 wins Biiiiyyaaaahhh!!!" -Joey Porter, LB
4) Buffalo Bills- Another year, another disappointing season for a great city. T.O. has a reality show now... that should sum up what this year will be.
"Michael Irvin still likes me, so we should be good. Plus with Marshawn Lynch suspended to start the year, that just more touches for me, so I should be happy until I self destruct around mid October. Expect 6 or 7 wins." - Terrell Owens, WR

AFC North:
1) Pittsburgh Steelers- Few changes to the Super Bowl Champs. However, no one is talking about how big of a loss Bryant McFadden is to that defense. Will they be able to stop the Tom Bradys and Peyton Mannings of the world in January??? We will wait and see.
"We are gonna be dominant this year. Expect around 12 wins. Its gonna be like we are sexually assaulting the rest of the league.... oh wait... whoops" -Ben Roethlisberger, QB
2) Baltimore Ravens - The teams best player not named Ed Reed, Bart Scott, has gone on to greener pastures. (Get it?!!? He got more money AND he plays for the Jets now!! You know what, forget it.) They will still be dangerous and expect them to contend. With no wide receivers though, its going to be difficult to move the ball down the field. All and all, another year of boring Ravens games.
"As God's linebacker, I figure whatever I say is flawless. Like when I said 'I didn't see nothin' after that murder, I was flawless. 11 wins!" - Ray Lewis, LB
3) Cincinnati Bengals - Carson Palmer is back so that is an immediate boost to the offense. There are consistency issues at running back and on the offensive line. The defense is slowly improving but still has problems stopping people. Then there is the whole player discipline thing, which they managed to go out an sign another bad apple, Tank Johnson.
"We is gonna be good. Aint no1 gonna be able 2 stop me, even u Merriman!! 6 wins!" -Chad Ochocinco, WR
4) Cleveland Browns- A team that looked on the brink of something special has gone back to claim what their name truly is... shit! A young offensive line is improving, but the defense is terrible, and their star receiver drops passes like he is playing "hot potato."
"We are good enough to stay up and party all night. We will even run over what ever gets in our way. 4 wins." Donte' Stallworth, former WR

Writings on the Reg'

Quote of the week: "I wish my grass was an emo, so it would cut itself" - Pretty Boy Steve

Movie Review: I have watched alot of movies recently, but the new movie for me has been "A Mighty Wind." Still need to see "Public Enemies." Awaiting the release of "G.I. Joe" and "Inglorious Bastards." I will give a quick review of "A Mighty Wind" however. One of the workings of Christopher Guest (This is Spinal Tap) showcases a documentary of a reunion concert featuring folk singing bands from the 70's. The movie takes place around 2000. Not that great, has some funny parts and manages to keep with the theme of the intelligent comedy. I laughed some but it gets a bit boring after a while. Not a high recommendation.
Grade: C-

This Week in Bitching:
Despite the recent hitting displays by both Garret Jones and Ryan Doumit, the Pirates are continuing to struggle. The pitching, which was the backbone of the teams early success, is beginning to fall apart at the seams. There are still spots of promise, but they cannot seem to put it all together and play consistently.

Statistics of the week:
1) The Houston Astros (-28: 50-48) have a worse +/- then Pittsburgh (-23: 43-55) but are 7 games ahead of them
2) On July 27, 2006 the Pittsburgh Pirates were 29 games under .500 (37-66). This year, the Washington Nationals are (30-68)
3) At least PNC Park is doing it part. The Pirates are 26-19 at home.
4) They are 17-36 on the road.
5) San Diego has been outscored by 145 runs so far this year.

Starting tomorrow, I will be doing a full NFL season preview. It will run through this week up until next Friday Aug 7th. It will be a breakdown by division with predictions.

The doldrums of summer

We have officially reached the slow weeks of summer for TV entertainment. Obviously, the best thing to do this time of year involves booze and being outside. However, there are times you just want to sit on the couch and be lazy. So I bring you the 6 best things running on television to watch and keep entertained every week.

6) Old shows in syndication: (Evenings: USA, TNT, TBS, Comedy Central)
Seinfeld, Family Guy, South Park, Law & Order. Even shows you wouldn't usually watch like Just Shoot Me, Spin City, Everybody Loves Raymond or Scrubs. There is a good chance that you have already seen the episode, but it is still awesome.

5) Tosh.0: (Thursdays: 10pm Comedy Central 30min)
Daniel Tosh is finally making it into mainstream media. The brilliant comedian showcases random web video and precedes to mock them. Consider this like America's Funniest Home Video's.... only funny.

4) Entourage: (Sundays: 10:30pm HBO 30min)
Entering their 6th season, the show has managed to get back to what made it best. Hysterical quotes from Drama and Ari coupled with Vinnie banging lots of different girls and living the Hollywood life. That was the premise that made the show great in the first place. They tried to add failure and create additional drama (not Johnny) to the show over the last 2 seasons, but realized to go back to the Gold-en formula.

3) Hung: (Sundays: 10pm HBO 30min)
A new show this year staring Thomas Jane as a guy down on his luck. He is a divorced high school history teacher/basketball coach. A phenomenal athlete while in high school, injuries cut his career short and he ended up working for the school. After his house catches on fire, his kids move out to live with their mother and her new husband. After running out of options, he decides to become a male escort because of his "best asset".

2) Royal Pains: (Thursdays: 10pm USA 60min)
Another new show this year, USA decided to piggy back off the idea of our #1 TV show. An emergency room doctor, Hank, on the cusp of marriage has a freak death happen under his supervision. He is let go from the hospital in Manhattan, left by his fiance and begins a downward spiral of self-loathing. His younger brother swoops in and takes him to the Hamptons for a Memorial Day Weekend get away. Hank ends up saving a life at a party and becomes the concierge doctor for the rich in the Hamptons. His intelligence and impromptu use of everyday items to save lives works as the overall premise of the show, along with comedy relief from his brother.

1) Burn Notice: (Thursdays: 9pm USA 60min)
The best show on television no matter what time of year showcases action, drama, comedy and intelligence with some sex sprinkled in. Former spy Michael Westin helps everyday people in extraordinary situations (kidnappings, thefts, murders) using everything from C-4 to automatic weapons to duct tape. Its MacGyver meets James Bond. Now in the third season, they have made their second strong change in the plot and it continues to maintain the same level of entertainment. Great writing, great acting, great action.

What this really shows is the lack of effort that network television puts forth in the summers. To be honest, their regular line-ups have really put up a poor showing recently. It appears that cable and premium channels have managed to tip the scales in their directions. Shows such as Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Rescue Me and Dexter are showing that people are tired of censorship and just want TV to be good again.

The Drinking Decathlon

In the constant search for reasons to drink, my trusty associate and I have gathered together a list of 10 drinking events to create the ultimate 10 event drinking extravaganza. I understand that there are other "Drinking Decathlons" out there; however, those are designed as humor. This is something to actually be attempted.

Each event will run in succession. There are not points awarded to individual event winners, they are simply run one after another. Winner will be the first to finish all 10 events. These events are run up against what the actual events in the Olympic Decathlon and the order they are done. Medals and cash earnings can be spread amongst the top 3 as they see fit.

1) Actual event: 100 M dash Drinking event: 12 ounce beer chug
One full can of beer is to be poured into a 16oz Solo plastic cup. The competitor will have to drink the full beer without spilling, then place the empty cup upside down on the top of their head to ensure they was no cheating. They will need to then proceed to the next event.

2) Actual event: Long Jump Drinking event: Jager Bomb
A pre-poured shot of Jager is to be dropped into a glass with a full Red Bull. The competitor must finish the entire drink, then proceed to the next event.

3) Actual event: Shot Put Drinking event: Beer pong
The competitor will line up at the end of the table with 3 cups in a triangle shape at the other end of table. These cups will be filled to regulation line. 3 additional cups will sit in front of competitor with beer filled up to regulation line. After each shot, the competitor must retrieve own ping pong ball. For every shot made, competitor must finish equal to cup in front of them. There is no additional people at the table other than referee. The competitor will proceed to the next event once all the cups have been eliminated.

4) Actual event: High Jump Drinking event: Quarters
The competitor will 2 prefilled shot glasses and with the standard .75 oz of liquor in it. Next to it will be 3 empty shot glasses. The competitor will need to drink 1 of the 2 shots of liquor to start. They will then bounce a quarter off the table and into 1 of the empty shot glasses. Then continue to shoot into the glass until they have made it in. Once the quarter is in the glass, they will need to remove the quarter and turn over the shot glass. They will then repeat with the remaining 2 shot glasses. Glasses cannot be stacked to count as multiples. The competitor will then need to consume the remaining shot glass of liquor. They will then proceed to the next event.

5) Actual event: 400 M dash Drinking event: Flip cup
3 cups will sit on the edge of table with regulation amount of beer in it. The competitor must drink all beer in cup. Then they must place cup open end down and flip 1 full rotation to land on the open end again. They must complete each cup individually before they move onto the next one. Once all 3 cups are sitting open end down on the table, the competitor can proceed to the next event.

6) Actual event: 100 M hurdles Drinking event: Tray race
There will be a prefilled ice cube tray, filled with mix of alcohol and an additional liquid to dilute(i.e. juice, soda). The competitor must use a straw and consumer the liquid in each compartment. They must empty each compartment before they can move onto the next one. One full side must be completed before they can attempt the opposite side. The competitor may not rotate the tray once they have begun. Once the entire tray is empty, the will proceed to the next event.

7) Actual event: Discus Drinking event: Dizzy bat
There will be 2 stations set up 20 feet apart. At each station will be 1/2 beer poured into a plastic cup and a whiffle ball bat. The competitor will start at 1 end, place the bat with 1 tip on the ground and the other against their forehead. They will then spin around 5 times, stand up, and drink the beer in the cup. Next, they run the 20 feet to the other station and repeat. Once they have consumed the second cup, they will run back to the original station and proceed to the next event.

8) Actual event: Pole Vault Drinking event: Beer Bong
1 full 12oz beer is to poured into the beer bong after the competitor has reached the event. The entire beer must be consumed. There can be no more than 1oz of foam remaining. They will then proceed to the next event.

9) Actual event: Javelin Drinking event: Shotgun
The competitor will take an unopened 12oz beer can and cut a small hole in the bottom of the can. They will then open the valve at the top of the beer, place there mouth over the hole at the bottom and drink the full beer. Once it is consumed the competitor will move onto the final event.

10) Actual event: 1500 M run Drinking event: 4 beer race
The competitor will be required to consume 4 beers in sequence. They may not use any additional equipment to consume the beverage beyond the can of beer itself. Once all 4 beers have been consumed, the competition is over.

Once the person is done with this, they will have put down 15 drinks. I figure for the average time to be approximately 3 hours. It will not be easy, but anything worth doing is worth doing right.

Celebrity mailbag

After having 1,000 of readers sending in emails, I figured I would do my first mailbag featuring some the best ones I have from celebrities. I have removed their first names to protect their identities.

Q: I recently had an embarrassing video of me confiscated by one of my sponsors.... er I mean my employer to conceal it. Now people are giving me a hard time and saying I am a pussy for not having it released. What can I do to maintain my image??
- L. James, Cleveland

A: Well Mr. James, I have personal experience with this as well. There has been an incriminating video released of me that still haunts me to this day. The best thing you can do is simply come clean about it and it will go away. You may want to even see if you can make any money out of this and use it in a commercial.... if you were famous I mean.

Q: Every one thinks I am on drugs. Everyday my "parents" make me take a drug test and every day I pass. They have been doing this for years now and it has reached the point of annoyance. What can I do?
- L. Armstrong, Paris

A: Already international fans, great! Anyways, I think the best thing for you to do is hold a press conference. Explain to everyone that you are not on drugs while attached to a polygraph. Then proceed to drop your pants all the way to your ankles (like you are 4 years old) and pee into a cup. Ensure that everyone can see your Johnson so there is no discrepancy as to whether or not you are cheating. Do this everyday until people get tired of seeing your schlong and they will stop heckling you about it.

Q: I have reached the apex in life. My company has finished as the best in the industry 3 times since 2002 and I have been chosen as Most Valuable Personnel twice. I have broken industry records and have been Most Valuable Personnel for the entire industry. I have already knocked up a actress hotter than you will ever meet and am now married to one of the hottest women on the planet. (did I mention she rakes in $$$$$ and I have knocked her up too!!) Is it time I just hang it up??
- T. Brady, New England

A: Well congratulations on all of your success. I think now would be a great time to call it quits. You have more money then you could ever spend, you have a sugar-mama who seems to make more than you do. It is time to just walk away while you are still on top.

Q: I am successful at my job, but people seem to think I crack under pressure. I have tons of support from people but I just can't seem to really get it together when the heat turns up. I have just recently broken it off with my girlfriend of a year and a half. Do you think my career success with change?? What do you think I should do now?
- T. Romo, Dallas

A: I think as of right now, you should go out and hook up with every girl you can. You should do what you can to stay out of the spotlight for as long a possible. Therefore, when the big moment hits, there won't be so many eyes and fingers pointed directly. If you take a deep breath, you just might make it.

Q: I am a successful up in comer within my industry. It has come to my attention that I share the same name with someone in a different industry. However, he has managed to get in a significant amount of trouble, which most people associate with the name. I want people to recognize me for who I am, not for someone who has been a clown his whole life.
- Adam Jones, Baltimore

A: That can be a tough situation. The best thing you can do is continue to succeed at what you do, and good things will come your way. Otherwise, do a cover of Sports Illustrated with the title "I am not that A$$HOLE!"

Q: I have recently had my name in the newspaper for some things I am not proud to admit I did in public. (however, they were both fucking awesome and I loved it) At this point I am almost afraid to continue my excellent skills for a fear of scrutiny. What can I do in order to still be able to do what I do best and have people purchase what I do. (I lost have of everything in the divorce too).
- M. Gibson, L.A.

A: The best thing I can say is lay low for a while. Stay in your house for a while and just keep your head down. Maybe you can do some writing, like a movie script or something. Wait a year or too and this will all go away. The American people have the same memory as a fish. Within 45 seconds people will forget about it.

Q: I was recently released from prison and am trying to find job. I am not good at anything except what I was doing before I was arrested. I do not know if I am going to get a chance to get back to doing what I do best. What should I do now?
-Ron Mexico, Virginia

A: Prison can be a tough one. That is a difficult hill to climb back up once you return to society. What you probably should have done is come up with and awesome plan while you were in prison like Tim Robbins did in "Shawshank Redemption". Then you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. But, who knows. Maybe someone company owner with no soul or brain will hire you to come work for him, no matter how bad the publicity is.

Q: I was very successful at my job about 5 years ago. I got into a big argument with my boss over payments and eventually went crazy slaving over my trade. Now I am bored and am doing my job for free in parks in Oregon. What do you think I can do to get back to my original success?
- D. Chapelle, L.A.

A: I think now is a great time to approach your previous employer about getting back in. You seem to have done very well in the past, and you should try to grow off of what you have done. Let bygones be bygones. Maybe get together with some of your old work friends and try to recreate the magic. The world seems to want you back.

Q: Everyone in my company sucks. I am not only much better than everyone on my team, but I am the best person in my industry. People are saying I have a chance to do something that hasn't been in done in over 30 years, but my company is struggling. I want to achieve success on every level, including company success. I do not think that my company will be able to be #1 with what we have. What can I do?
- A. Pujols, St. Louis

A: You seem to be a great employee and any company would be lucky to have you. It appears you have not made a suggestion or complaint to your management either so you might be the perfect employee. Sometimes, as the leader of the team, you need to stand up and say something. Hope that the team can makes some moves to bring in better personnel. Otherwise, pull a "Terrell Owens".

That is all the emails I am going to post for now. I will pull together more for next week.

My wish list

Being that today is my dad's birthday, that means it is only 5 days until mine occurs on Sunday. Therefore, I decided to post what my wishlist to the world is. They have 5 days to comply with my demands:

1) I wish that outdoor parties were more socially acceptable. By outdoor I mean block parties and drinking at parks. I know there are assholes that have managed to ruin it for the rest of the modern world by public fighting, littering and of course destruction of public property. Can you come up with anything more fun than getting a bunch of friends, a bunch of booze, cornhole/ladderball/horseshoes and a grill??
2) I wish there was standardized birth control. Too many people that should not be reproducing are.
3) I wish that the NFL decides to stop fining every player for nothing.
4) I wish the NFL's off-field discipline policy would be more concrete. The fact that people are still talking about Micheal Vick and Plaxico Burress possibly ending up on teams this fall makes me sick.
5) I wish Chad Johnson would go back to being Chad Johnson.
6) I wish I didn't pay out 27% of my salary to taxes.
7) I wish they would completely eliminate all reality TV. It has run its course.
8) I wish people like Perez Hilton, Heidi and "whatever the fuck his name is", John and Kate, and Nicole Ritchie would just disappear. You are famous for NO REASON and noone cares about you anymore.
9) I wish Broken Lizzard would make another movie as good as "SuperTroopers"
10) I wish the X-Men movies would have been better... and Gambit would have been in it from the start.
11) I wish flavored vodka didn't taste so good. It is ending my life 1 shot at a time.
12) I wish the BCS would turn into an 12 team tournament.
13) I wish swearing wasn't considered bad. If you can't handle adult language, you are obviously not an adult
14) I wish there were more BYOB bars. I would be fun to roll into a bar with 3 bottles and just get wrecked.
15) I wish I could quit you Taint
16) I wish traveling didn't cost so much.
17) I wish I could control what shows were aired on television. There is WAAAAAAAYYY too much shitty programming out there.
18) I wish freecreditreport.com, godaddy.com, most car companies, Viagara/Cialis, and Flomax would stop making commercials.
19) I wish they would keep making versions of Seen-It movies... like once every 6 months.
20) I wish the Pirates would stop trading away what little talent they have
21) I wish Skip Bayless would get punched in the face on television and thrown off of ESPN
22) I wish Brett Farve would just retire and let us get back to hearing actual news about the NFL.
23) I wish the media would stop acting like John Madden ever was a good announcer. He will always be remembered for the video game and nothing else.
24) I wish cable television was cheaper.
25) I wish the following TV shows would make a movie or another movie:
-Family Guy
-South Park
-24
-Burn Notice
-Arrested Development (there is one in the works, but I am still requesting)
-MacGyver
26) I wish they would stop taking old songs and having someone cover them.
27) I wish American Pie and National Lampoon's would stop making movies.
28) I wish people would just admit that Vince Young is a HUGE bust
29) I wish that the NHL will continue its comeback into mainstream media.
30) I wish NASCAR would go away.
Thank you for your consideration for my wish list. I expect all 30 to be completed by 12:00am EST Sunday

Writings on the Reg'

Quote of the Week: "Its always darkest right before dawn. So if your going to take your neighbor's newspaper, that is the best time to do it. "

Movie Review: Finally watched "No Country for Old Men". It is a combination of too long of a movie with too long of an ending. I did find the serial killer character played by Javier Bardem to be just creepy enough to keep it interesting. Josh Brolin (one of the kids from The Goonies) plays a guy who stumbles upon 2 millions dollars in cash in 1980 and is chased after by the serial killer. The movie went on to win 4 Oscars including best picture, I respectively disagree. The climax of the movie happens about 15 minutes before the end of the movie and simply drags on until the credits roll. Worth watching, maybe. Worth watching again.... no.
Grade: C+

Baseball Bitching:
We find ourselves in familiar teritorry once again as we reach the All-Star Break in MLB. The Pirates are now 37-46 and 7.5 games out of first. They are 2-5 since the Nyger Morgan trade last Tuesday. They have 5 games left before the official All-Star Break next week (2 @ Hou, 3 @ Phi). They are currently on pace to finish 72-90, another sad year. There have been some bright spots (the emergence of Andrew McCutchen, much imporved pitching) but the trades last week, really took the wind out of their sails.

Stats of the week:
1) The Pirates are 3rd in the National League in batting average (.264)
2) If Pittsburgh could change divisions they could do well. They are 14-10 against the NL East.
3) They are 11-24 against their own division, the NL Central.
4) They were 8-7 in interleague play vs. the AL Central
5) AL East teams are 59-34 against teams from the AL Central

NHL Free Agency

Well the flood gates opened at 12 noon today. Players are getting snatched up as the rumors contine to swirl. Marion Hossa signed a 12 year $62.8M deal today with the Chicago Blackhawks. Mike Knuble signed with the Washington Capitals with a 2 year $5.6M deal. Nikolai Khabibluin rolled up a 4 year $15M deal with the Edmonton Oilers. 3 big names signing within hours after the market opened. Lets look at them one by one.

Hossa: Despite the hate that Penguins fans have of him, and the poor preformance during the Stanley Cup playoffs (escpecially the finals) Hossa is an A-list forward. The Blackhawks, who were already a Cup contender, are a serious threat to Detroit Red Wings in the Central Division and in the Western Conference. They have a ton of young talent that is only going to get better, and now have a verteran presence that can score from anywhere. He also has playoff experience including 2 stanley cup finals. Hossa is 30 now and should be 43 when the contract expires.

Knuble: This signing does not create the same waves that the Hossa deal did, but Knuble is a solid pickup. Knuble adds a veteran calming to this team that lost its composure and a 2-0 lead against Pittsburgh in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. If Varlamov plays like he did in the series against the Penguins, you can pencil them in for a Southeast Division Title and a top 3 seed in the playoffs again. Perhaps the NHL will get the hard-on they have wanted and have Caps-Pens in the Eastern Conference Finals next May.

Khabibulin: The former Conn Smythe Trophy winner moves north of the border to try and make a run with the Oilers. He is no longer a top 5 goalie, but is still very solid. The Oilers are a good defensive team and will benefit to have a consistent person in net.

There are still significant free agents out there and a few big names on the trading block. Vincent Lecavalier and Danny Heatley are both looking to move their rather large contracts to new teams via trade. Interesting names still on the free agent market include: Marian Gaborik (who apparently just purchased a house in Vancouver), Rob Scuderi, Nik Antropov, Martin Biron, Ruslan Fedotenko, Jiri Hudler, Milan Jurcina, Phil Kessel, Alexi Kovalev, Viktor Kozlov, John Madden, and Alex Tanguay. The signings will settle down into the weekend, but look for more big names to move around. The salary cap has finally started to rear its ugly head in the NHL.