After having 1,000 of readers sending in emails, I figured I would do my first mailbag featuring some the best ones I have from celebrities. I have removed their first names to protect their identities.
Q: I recently had an embarrassing video of me confiscated by one of my sponsors.... er I mean my employer to conceal it. Now people are giving me a hard time and saying I am a pussy for not having it released. What can I do to maintain my image??
- L. James, Cleveland
A: Well Mr. James, I have personal experience with this as well. There has been an incriminating video released of me that still haunts me to this day. The best thing you can do is simply come clean about it and it will go away. You may want to even see if you can make any money out of this and use it in a commercial.... if you were famous I mean.
Q: Every one thinks I am on drugs. Everyday my "parents" make me take a drug test and every day I pass. They have been doing this for years now and it has reached the point of annoyance. What can I do?
- L. Armstrong, Paris
A: Already international fans, great! Anyways, I think the best thing for you to do is hold a press conference. Explain to everyone that you are not on drugs while attached to a polygraph. Then proceed to drop your pants all the way to your ankles (like you are 4 years old) and pee into a cup. Ensure that everyone can see your Johnson so there is no discrepancy as to whether or not you are cheating. Do this everyday until people get tired of seeing your schlong and they will stop heckling you about it.
Q: I have reached the apex in life. My company has finished as the best in the industry 3 times since 2002 and I have been chosen as Most Valuable Personnel twice. I have broken industry records and have been Most Valuable Personnel for the entire industry. I have already knocked up a actress hotter than you will ever meet and am now married to one of the hottest women on the planet. (did I mention she rakes in $$$$$ and I have knocked her up too!!) Is it time I just hang it up??
- T. Brady, New England
A: Well congratulations on all of your success. I think now would be a great time to call it quits. You have more money then you could ever spend, you have a sugar-mama who seems to make more than you do. It is time to just walk away while you are still on top.
Q: I am successful at my job, but people seem to think I crack under pressure. I have tons of support from people but I just can't seem to really get it together when the heat turns up. I have just recently broken it off with my girlfriend of a year and a half. Do you think my career success with change?? What do you think I should do now?
- T. Romo, Dallas
A: I think as of right now, you should go out and hook up with every girl you can. You should do what you can to stay out of the spotlight for as long a possible. Therefore, when the big moment hits, there won't be so many eyes and fingers pointed directly. If you take a deep breath, you just might make it.
Q: I am a successful up in comer within my industry. It has come to my attention that I share the same name with someone in a different industry. However, he has managed to get in a significant amount of trouble, which most people associate with the name. I want people to recognize me for who I am, not for someone who has been a clown his whole life.
- Adam Jones, Baltimore
A: That can be a tough situation. The best thing you can do is continue to succeed at what you do, and good things will come your way. Otherwise, do a cover of Sports Illustrated with the title "I am not that A$$HOLE!"
Q: I have recently had my name in the newspaper for some things I am not proud to admit I did in public. (however, they were both fucking awesome and I loved it) At this point I am almost afraid to continue my excellent skills for a fear of scrutiny. What can I do in order to still be able to do what I do best and have people purchase what I do. (I lost have of everything in the divorce too).
- M. Gibson, L.A.
A: The best thing I can say is lay low for a while. Stay in your house for a while and just keep your head down. Maybe you can do some writing, like a movie script or something. Wait a year or too and this will all go away. The American people have the same memory as a fish. Within 45 seconds people will forget about it.
Q: I was recently released from prison and am trying to find job. I am not good at anything except what I was doing before I was arrested. I do not know if I am going to get a chance to get back to doing what I do best. What should I do now?
-Ron Mexico, Virginia
A: Prison can be a tough one. That is a difficult hill to climb back up once you return to society.
What you probably should have done is come up with and awesome plan while you were in prison like Tim Robbins did in "Shawshank Redemption". Then you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. But, who knows. Maybe someone company owner with no soul or brain will hire you to come work for him, no matter how bad the publicity is.
Q: I was very successful at my job about 5 years ago. I got into a big argument with my boss over payments and eventually went crazy slaving over my trade. Now I am bored and am doing my job for free in parks in Oregon. What do you think I can do to get back to my original success?
- D. Chapelle, L.A.
A: I think now is a great time to approach your previous employer about getting back in. You seem to have done very well in the past, and you should try to grow off of what you have done. Let bygones be bygones. Maybe get together with some of your old work friends and try to recreate the magic. The world seems to want you back.
Q: Everyone in my company sucks. I am not only much better than everyone on my team, but I am the best person in my industry. People are saying I have a chance to do something that hasn't been in done in over 30 years, but my company is struggling. I want to achieve success on every level, including company success. I do not think that my company will be able to be #1 with what we have. What can I do?
- A. Pujols, St. Louis
A: You seem to be a great employee and any company would be lucky to have you. It appears you have not made a suggestion or complaint to your management either so you might be the perfect employee. Sometimes, as the leader of the team, you need to stand up and say something. Hope that the team can makes some moves to bring in better personnel. Otherwise, pull a "Terrell Owens".
That is all the emails I am going to post for now. I will pull together more for next week.
Q: I recently had an embarrassing video of me confiscated by one of my sponsors.... er I mean my employer to conceal it. Now people are giving me a hard time and saying I am a pussy for not having it released. What can I do to maintain my image??
- L. James, Cleveland
A: Well Mr. James, I have personal experience with this as well. There has been an incriminating video released of me that still haunts me to this day. The best thing you can do is simply come clean about it and it will go away. You may want to even see if you can make any money out of this and use it in a commercial.... if you were famous I mean.
Q: Every one thinks I am on drugs. Everyday my "parents" make me take a drug test and every day I pass. They have been doing this for years now and it has reached the point of annoyance. What can I do?
- L. Armstrong, Paris
A: Already international fans, great! Anyways, I think the best thing for you to do is hold a press conference. Explain to everyone that you are not on drugs while attached to a polygraph. Then proceed to drop your pants all the way to your ankles (like you are 4 years old) and pee into a cup. Ensure that everyone can see your Johnson so there is no discrepancy as to whether or not you are cheating. Do this everyday until people get tired of seeing your schlong and they will stop heckling you about it.
Q: I have reached the apex in life. My company has finished as the best in the industry 3 times since 2002 and I have been chosen as Most Valuable Personnel twice. I have broken industry records and have been Most Valuable Personnel for the entire industry. I have already knocked up a actress hotter than you will ever meet and am now married to one of the hottest women on the planet. (did I mention she rakes in $$$$$ and I have knocked her up too!!) Is it time I just hang it up??
- T. Brady, New England
A: Well congratulations on all of your success. I think now would be a great time to call it quits. You have more money then you could ever spend, you have a sugar-mama who seems to make more than you do. It is time to just walk away while you are still on top.
Q: I am successful at my job, but people seem to think I crack under pressure. I have tons of support from people but I just can't seem to really get it together when the heat turns up. I have just recently broken it off with my girlfriend of a year and a half. Do you think my career success with change?? What do you think I should do now?
- T. Romo, Dallas
A: I think as of right now, you should go out and hook up with every girl you can. You should do what you can to stay out of the spotlight for as long a possible. Therefore, when the big moment hits, there won't be so many eyes and fingers pointed directly. If you take a deep breath, you just might make it.
Q: I am a successful up in comer within my industry. It has come to my attention that I share the same name with someone in a different industry. However, he has managed to get in a significant amount of trouble, which most people associate with the name. I want people to recognize me for who I am, not for someone who has been a clown his whole life.
- Adam Jones, Baltimore
A: That can be a tough situation. The best thing you can do is continue to succeed at what you do, and good things will come your way. Otherwise, do a cover of Sports Illustrated with the title "I am not that A$$HOLE!"
Q: I have recently had my name in the newspaper for some things I am not proud to admit I did in public. (however, they were both fucking awesome and I loved it) At this point I am almost afraid to continue my excellent skills for a fear of scrutiny. What can I do in order to still be able to do what I do best and have people purchase what I do. (I lost have of everything in the divorce too).
- M. Gibson, L.A.
A: The best thing I can say is lay low for a while. Stay in your house for a while and just keep your head down. Maybe you can do some writing, like a movie script or something. Wait a year or too and this will all go away. The American people have the same memory as a fish. Within 45 seconds people will forget about it.
Q: I was recently released from prison and am trying to find job. I am not good at anything except what I was doing before I was arrested. I do not know if I am going to get a chance to get back to doing what I do best. What should I do now?
-Ron Mexico, Virginia
A: Prison can be a tough one. That is a difficult hill to climb back up once you return to society.
What you probably should have done is come up with and awesome plan while you were in prison like Tim Robbins did in "Shawshank Redemption". Then you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. But, who knows. Maybe someone company owner with no soul or brain will hire you to come work for him, no matter how bad the publicity is.Q: I was very successful at my job about 5 years ago. I got into a big argument with my boss over payments and eventually went crazy slaving over my trade. Now I am bored and am doing my job for free in parks in Oregon. What do you think I can do to get back to my original success?
- D. Chapelle, L.A.
A: I think now is a great time to approach your previous employer about getting back in. You seem to have done very well in the past, and you should try to grow off of what you have done. Let bygones be bygones. Maybe get together with some of your old work friends and try to recreate the magic. The world seems to want you back.
Q: Everyone in my company sucks. I am not only much better than everyone on my team, but I am the best person in my industry. People are saying I have a chance to do something that hasn't been in done in over 30 years, but my company is struggling. I want to achieve success on every level, including company success. I do not think that my company will be able to be #1 with what we have. What can I do?
- A. Pujols, St. Louis
A: You seem to be a great employee and any company would be lucky to have you. It appears you have not made a suggestion or complaint to your management either so you might be the perfect employee. Sometimes, as the leader of the team, you need to stand up and say something. Hope that the team can makes some moves to bring in better personnel. Otherwise, pull a "Terrell Owens".
That is all the emails I am going to post for now. I will pull together more for next week.
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